I don't know where I'm going...

... and I don't know where I've been.

If I was asked to sum up the last 24 hours or so with one word I'd reply numbing.
That's the only way to describe how the impact this last day has had on me. I don't have anyone to talk to about it in person really so I'll just word vomit here.

In order to lay out the proper setting for this day I must first briefly cover the last few weeks.
I'm dating this guy. Let's call him Ken. Ken's great. Smart. Funny. Ridiculously handsome. And best of all he likes me. I'm head over heels for him. I'd lay down in front of a train if it would make him happy.  But lately Ken and I have ben arguing and quarreling more than we have before. We've been together since May, so about 5 or so months. Two of those months were spent nearly 3,000 miles apart, so I don't even know if we can count that... Anyway, we've been fighting more. We either make up after or just brush it under the rug. Not good practice. The biggest issue here is that Ken is graduating this year. I am not. I don't know if we should stay together until then, or not and that was eating away at me. We eventually talked about it and agreed to be happy with the time we have and not talk about May until it gets here. Over this short break though, I texted Ken about it and he got mad at me for bringing it up, another fight. We just let it go eventually. And that brings us to the last two days.
Saturday. I spent the entire day traveling across the country to get back to school. I texted Ken every chance I could. He was picking me up from the airport and I couldn't wait to see him. When he pulled up and I got in the car I could feel the awkward. I got nervous and talked the entire hour drive from the airport to school. When we got back to school Ken parked by my dorm and came inside with me. Which I was not expecting. I was tired and gross and wanted to shower and then relax. But he came into my room and laid down on my bed. We talked while I unpacked and when I finished he asked me to get into bed with him. I happily obliged. I cuddled into his warm embrace and planned on soaking in that feeling of total comfort and happiness. Before I could actually start to relax Ken was making moves, moves that I knew meant sex. I wasn't feeling it, but I can't say no to him so I went ahead and did it. It hurt and made me feel like a piece of meat. When he finished I got up and went to the bathroom. I rinsed off in the shower and went back to my room to find Ken laying on my bed in his boxers. I took off my robe and put on some PJs and climbed into bed next to him. He took one look at me and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him that I hated the sex we had just had. I just wanted to curl up with him and forget. He was relentless however. Eventually I just said that it hurt. He was genuinely sorry, and pulled me close. I started to get hungry at this point, I had only eaten airport food all day. After some bantering I asked if he'd take me to McDonalds as the school food was still closed for break. He agreed. We went through the drive through. While we waited for my food I asked him if he was just dropping me off at my dorm after. He said yeah. I was visibly disappointed.  He got mad at that. I got upset that he was upset because of that. When we got back to my dorm I got out and didn't say goodnight. He rolled down the window and pointed that out. I said goodnight and went inside.
After eating my food and relaxing he texted me. He asked why I was so weird. I said I was tired and hungry. I apologized. He wished me a goodnight. He said he had to get up early and do work and never slept well with me which is why he didn't stay over. I was okay with that. So he went to bed and I went on watching movies and waisting my time.
Around 1 AM, I found a funny picture about a pencil and pencil sharpener that I thought he would find funny so I texted it to him. I got a nearly immediate response. Weird. He was supposed to be asleep. I asked why he was up. He replied that he was chilling with his roommate. That stung. The roommate who he had spent thanksgiving with. He spent time with him rather than me. Told me he was going to sleep. But no. Just didn't want to hang out with me. Awesome. This and other texts sparked an hour long all out fight with many a "Fuck you" and "asshole" thrown in there. I was bawling by the time he said he was done with my "bullshit" and we were over. I told him it wasn't what I wanted. He argued more. Then as I was bawling and freaking out and feeling as if my whole world was disintegrating before me. He said, "If you'd like to talk to me WITHOUT being obnoxious contact me tomorrow."  I didn't reply. Three hours of crying later I took an extra dose of sleep meds so I might fall asleep at some point. I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up today at 11. I went to the lab and did work for an hour before I even dared to look at my phone. I texted him, "Can we talk sometime today?"
"I don't have time today."
"Okay. Let me know when you do find time."
"What do we need to talk about" SERIOUSLY DUDE?!?! APPLES I NEED TO TALK ABOUT APPLES.
"Last night"
"Just text me. I'm seriously busy"
"Fine. Just tell me one thing Ken. Are we over"
"I mean all we've been doing the last week is fighting. What do you want."
"What I've always wanted. To be with you. But if that's not what you want then what I want is irrelevant."
"I want to but I'm not sure we can go on like this."
"Fighting?"
"Yes"
"I agree. I don't know why we are fighting."
"Because of a lack of communication. I'm not trying to point fingers or blame you, but you need to be more vocal in certain situations"
"I know I do. I know I don't communicate well."
Nothing.
For the rest of the day. Not until I ask if we can talk this week. He says yes. I say when. He says he doesn't know. I say just let me know.
Nothing.
Nothing.

I feel nothing. I'm numb. I spent 5 hours in the lab coding today. Normally that'd make me upset and cranky. But I'm numb. The time flew by. I feel nothing. I've eaten nearly nothing today. My stomach doesn't feel. I don't feel.
I don't know what to do.
I can't feel.
Numb.

Two weeks in this hell before I get to go home for a month. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. I'm scared as hell. I don't want this uncertainty.  I have no idea what to do. I'm on auto pilot. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose him...